Yesterday, we examined our four camps of conflict:

• Camp A believes very strongly in their point of view.
• Camp B believes very strongly in their point of view.
• Camp C is completely disengaged and isn’t participating in the discussion but plans to quietly sabotage any change efforts through lethargy.
• Camp D can see both sides and refuses to take a stand one way of the other.
• And, fearless leader who is insisting that there be a solution, but leaves the direction about what “it” is to the folks at the mid-levels to “negotiate.”

We also noticed that we have two groups actively engaging and accomplishing little and two other groups that are along for the ride.  I proposed that Coaching and Facilitation provides you with a better process which gets people into a room and collaboratively works towards a solution that benefits all parties.

Step 1 was getting the agreement to work together to find a better solution.  “Better” is defined as a solution that everyone can both live with and support and is an improvement over the solutions proposed so far.

Once we have the agreement that no one and no constituency is going to be bullied, harangued, pressured or forced to give up what’s important to them, that the solution must truly be better, by our definition of the word, we move onto Step 2.

Step 2 is Listening.  Really listening.  Listening for understanding, for underlying meaning, for concerns, for fears, for what’s good and what will work.  It means listening for comprehension, not judgment.  Let me say this again, because it is the most important thing.  Listen without judgment.

What listening without judgment means is hearing what the other person is saying, without formulating reasons why they are wrong, without thinking about points to refute, without

Coaches are trained to do this, but most other people are not or aren’t trained well enough. Did you have class in listening in high school or college?  I didn’t.  The subject comes up in training classes offered by various corporations, but if it isn’t practiced in the culture of the organization, it is an individual effort.

I sometimes use the Indian Talking Stick method (which I learned from Steven Covey) with my corporate clients to facilitate the active listening.

Here’s how this works.  I explain to the group the following rules and the group agrees to abide by them.  Rule 1:  The group that has possession of the talking stick has the floor.  They get to speak without interruption or comment, which includes agreeing, disagreeing or advising.  I do allow for clarification questions only, as long as they are truly for clarification and aren’t too disruptive.  Rule 2:  The group that has the talking stick keeps the talking stick until they are satisfied that everyone understands their point of view from their point of view.

I break the group up based on their point of view or proposal.  Usually, there are two distinct groups and perhaps one or two offshoots who have different concerns.

We randomly select the group who gets the stick first.  Everyone in the first group gets an opportunity to state their case.  We move people around as needed, if we discover a significant disagreement within the groups.  Once the group has had the opportunity to speak to their satisfaction, the other group or groups then state the first group’s case from the first group’s point of view.   When the first group feels that the other groups have a complete understanding of their position, they relinquish the talking stick and the process repeats until the whole group has an understanding.

On more than one occasion, groups have challenges with one or more “problem children.”  You know who they are.  They’re the ones who create disruption by refusing to follow the rules.  The more subtle ones let you know with their body language and/or tone of voice that they don’t want to participate.  This is an especially good time to have a trained coach who can effectively deal with the situation.  Many times, the coach can get to the heart of the matter and bring a satisfied person back into the process.  Other times, the coach will remove the person from the room so that the rest of the group can make progress.  The nice part about this for the participants is that the burden of dealing with the situation and the stress of not dealing with it is taken off of their shoulders.

Once everyone’s point of view has been heard and understood, a magical thing happens.  We begin to pass the stick back and forth as discussion gets generated, because the energy in the room has moved from adversarial to curious.   What I notice is that with greater understanding comes a more trusting relationship.  The participants actually begin to advocate less for their point of view.

From here, we move into finding a third, alternative solution.  It is a great thing to witness, which is why I love this part of my job.

That said, I’ll be honest.  Sometimes, the groups aren’t mature enough to come to a conclusion.  If that’s the case, that’s a good indicator that there’s a larger issue to be addressed. Again, this is a place that an independent facilitator can be helpful, because she is the one who has to deliver the bad news.  That’s the part of my job where I get shot as the messenger.  It doesn’t usually win additional business, but hey, I am about being in service to the client whether they like it or not.

Most of the time, though, my clients are mature enough to develop a solution that everyone can live with and support.  Even when the sides create a solution that requires compromise, it is done from a place of conscious choice rather than anger or fear or complacency.   Because really, the fear isn’t in the compromise itself but in the feeling of being one-upped or losing, right?

Cheers,

Carolann

p.s.- Again today, you’ve likely thinking that this process needs a neutral third party or it could easily become imbalanced.  It is almost impossible to get complete and honest participation in the room when the person at the front has an opinion about the outcome.  Besides people’s natural desire to please, it is easy for someone attached to the outcome to unconsciously provide more of the floor to the side that he agrees with.  If your group needs a trained facilitator to guide you to your epiphany, Vivid Epiphany can help. Contact us today for a complimentary consultation.

p.p.s. – The Indian Talking Stick is a good technique to use with the spouse or your teenager, too.  When my clients talk about additional side benefits from coaching, this is an example of where coaching in one area improves another.