HR Thinks Bob is a Sociopath, and They Hired a Coach?

Apr 8

Photo by chriss

In yesterday’s post, I talked about “Bob,” a VP at a large company who has more than 50 HR complaints lodged against him.  The HR director chatted with me about it, because she’d read The Sociopath Next Door and thought that it described Bob pretty accurately.  That said, she hoped that some coaching might work a miracle.

At first blush, I didn’t think so, but that’s the danger of prejudging.  Having met many a sociopath at the executive level of large organizations, I was skeptical that Bob had any interest in changing.

The next step was spending an hour with Bob.

What surprised me from the outset was that he knew that things weren’t going the way he wanted them to be going. This is rare for someone who likes his aura of power to admit to a perfect stranger.  Frustration is a good place to start.  Where we started is that he doesn’t get all the information, and he’d just gotten more bad news at the last minute.

Have you ever talked with someone, and as they are explaining their point of view, you actually find yourself taking the other person’s side?  This is kind of what happened for me with Bob, except that it was more about how I could see why what he was doing wasn’t working for him.

From the outside looking in, it became crystal clear why people outside his inner circle didn’t tell him things.  He spoke about them in a way that was dismissive at best and mean-spirited at worst.  He saw nothing wrong with being dismissive to their face.  (What was ironic is that Bob didn’t understand why “everyone ” took things so personally, when it was so clear to me that he did.)  He “shot the messenger” more often than not, so messengers became scarce.  The more telling thing that he said was that he only trusted information from his inner circle.  My observation was that they were less likely to give him bad news.

Bob makes judgments about people very quickly, and his decision-making is very adversarial (you’re either in or out).  His inner circle is very small, and when someone does something he doesn’t like, regardless of how innocent or how small, they are cast out, often forever.  What’s ironic is that he doesn’t understand why these people have turned on him, but what he’s missing is that he shut them out first.

The underlying issue with Bob is that he must be in control of every situation, and his biggest fear is that someone will have power over them.  He operates out of fear.

How this shows up is that he builds his personal power at whatever cost.  Do you know anyone like that in your organization?

He has an insatiable ego which he has built to protect himself.  While many people with large ego’s are impervious to other’s opinions, Bob is actually hyper-sensitive to slights, real or imagined.  He hides this well (which is why people think there is no “there” there).

How he protects himself is to create distance.  He also tends to shut down emotionally, and expects that there be no emotion in the workplace.  He views having emotions as a weakness; the reality is that he’s afraid he’ll lose control if he gives in to the hurt.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat.”

For many people, Bob sounds unlikeable and irredeemable.  He can be charming and fun.  However, it going to take a lot of work on his part to overcome his ingrained habits that alienate people unnecessarily.

Can you see how hard this would be for him?  He has to be vulnerable, which is his biggest fear.

This is true for all of us who have things about ourselves that we’d like to improve for the better.  The advantage of having a coach is that there is someone on the journey with you to provide unconditional support, a mirror that reflects back what you can’t see from your perpective, and a strategic plan to make exponential gains.  The advantage of having me as your coach is that I also have a pretty robust BS meter.

Why would an organization want to spend coaching money on someone like Bob?

Well, he performs well enough, for one thing.  For another, he has a lot of business knowledge that they don’t want to lose. If they can get a higher trust environment, improve collaboration, and keep Bob’s business knowledge, they’ve created a winning situation.

What’s in it for Bob?  Bob has a ton of talent.  Without the fear, he has the capacity to be self-inspired.  He can make things happen, and he wants that success. He also knows that he isn’t going to be promoted as things stand, and it eats at him.  Just from our hour together, he can see that the not getting ahead creates self-perpetuating behaviors which create the environment of not getting ahead.

So, who wants to know whether I took this gig?  Send me a tweet on Twitter, and I’ll let you know.

Be Your Best You Today,

Carolann

Tags: Brain-based Coaching, Career Management, Carolann Jacobs, coaching, conflict management, Inimitable Leadership, Inspired Workplace, Leadership, Legacy Leadership