• Ignore it, and hope it goes away.
• Do their best to separate them, so that there is minimal disruption to the team and the work product, and then we have to all ignore the hostility elephant in the room.
• Tell them both to work it out amongst themselves and then leave them to duke it out (I think that was some misguided empowerment thing that showed up in the 90’s).

Managewhich, ignoring it never works, because at best what you end up with is a dysfunctional team in which people tiptoe around, act as go betweens, and expend energy (perhaps unconscious energy) trying to deal with the personalities in the room.   The more likely scenario is that the relationship becomes unsalvageable, and you run the risk of a valuable asset leaving the group or company or even sabotage to the project.   Nothing like watching one’s despised colleague fall on their face, right?

Separating them creates islands.  Us against them.  Us against Jack Burro.  And, it makes work for you and your team.  You, in the keeping the fighters in their opposite corner, and your team, in that now they have to navigate between the two.

Managewhich, do not make the mistake of letting them sort it out themselves once they’ve given it a try, because if they had the behavioral skills and emotional intelligence to do it themselves, they already would have.  No one, except a real Jack Burro, wants to continually work in this kind of environment, and if you have a Jack Burro on your staff, you’ve violated the no Jack Burro rule which is a topic for a different day.

So, make the request once for them to discuss their working relationship.  Then, debrief with each of them individually to find out whether they did what you asked and whether it worked, from their points of view.  And observe, because people will lie to you if they don’t want to deal with this.

After that, if the climate doesn’t get warmer, it’s time to put on your coaching hat and facilitate them through this.

And, this is where many a managewhich says, “Uh-oh,” because if they had the tools to do this, they too would have already done it.  And so, they go back into ignore with the rationalization that “It won’t work anyway.”  If this sounds like you, maybe it’s time to call in a professional.  What I find is that when addressed correctly and in time most of these relationships are not only salvageable, they can become whole.   Trust me, fixing this will lift a burden from your shoulders.  The dividend is worth the investment.

Be Your Best You Today,

Carolann Jacobs

Photo by Tiffany Trewin

Where we left off in part two, Janice*, the manager of her company’s governance group, has provided Rhonda*, a program manager who works for Janice, with some feedback about her performance.

…which started with “You are always trying to undermine me.”

The conversation degenerated into Janice trying to tell Rhonda all the ways that her circumventing the PMO’s process proved her intent to harm and into Rhonda’s defense of her own character.

From Rhonda’s point of view, she has good reason not to follow the PMO’s process.  As we talked about in part one, the governance board that approved the projects for funding and continuation doesn’t request or review the majority of the deliverables and milestones that this process demands.  These things require a lot of time and effort from Rhonda’s customer, and her customer doesn’t see the value in producing these documents.

Rhonda doesn’t see the value in producing them, either, when her projects move forward without delay regardless.  Her objectives are to make sure her clients programs get delivered and to make sure they feel well taken care of.  It is also a personal value of hers that she adds value.  She meets these objectives every year, and her clients give her rave reviews… which is why she is so shocked that Janice thinks she’s out to get her.

Furthermore, Rhonda has a bone to pick of her own.  She works a lot of overtime, and doesn’t feel either supported or appreciated, even though most of the metrics that make Janice’s group’s performance look so good are because Rhonda’s program is always on.  She also knows that Janice doesn’t like her, and she doesn’t feel comfortable at group events.  As a result of this latest conversation, she’s started communicating directly with Janice’s manager so that she doesn’t have to deal with Janice at all.

When I asked Rhonda what kept her from going directly to Janice and having a discussion about changing the part of the goveranance process rather than not doing it, she said, “Having that kind of conversation with Janice is impossible.  She doesn’t listen, and it’s her way or the highway.  The only reason I am still here is that I love my client, and Janice would have gotten rid of me a long time ago but for that.  And, you know, I can see how Janice might think I was trying to undermine her because I’ll admit i didn’t follow the almighty process.  But she forgets that our top priority isn’t following some stupid process.  It is getting products out the door and keeping the clients happy.  The process is priority number three.”

As an objective observer, I can see both sides.  While Rhonda can concede one point to Janice, she doesn’t concede much more than that.  Janice concedes nothing.

Whether they realize it or not, both have an emotional investment in being right.

How this scenario normally plays out all over the country, in many companies, is that Janice and Rhonda will eventually get to the place where they’ll pretend like nothing has happened and co-exist somewhat peacefully.  They will disagree.  Rhonda will probably play a more active role in undermining Janice, because she’s lost all respect for her.  Janice will continue to ostracize Rhonda.  Neither will trust in or communicate any more than the rudimentaries with each other.  Things will be missed.  Work will have to be redone.  Effort will be wasted as they avoid each other until finally someone moves or gets laid off.

How much do you think this costs in productivity?

Next time…. a better way to engage in this conversation.

Be Your Best You Today,

Carolann

* Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals.

p.s. – Improve Performance NOW! uses the power of focus, attention, and a proven framework to upgrade leadership skills, starting with communicating in a way that gets the results that  we all want.  No one wants to spend a lot of time managing things that people could manage for themselves, and yet that’s what many leaders find themselves doing.  Create a new habit.  Sign-up for a no-cost, no-obigation preview call today.

Photo by Todd

In part one of this post, we left Janice* and Rhonda* in Janice’s office.  Janice, the manager of her company’s governance group, is furious that Rhonda, who works for her, has been circumventing the process that the PMO is supposed to be enforcing.  Furthermore, I’d learned in out initial complimentary consultation that Janice has built some resentment towards Rhonda because of some things she’s observed Rhonda doing over the last year, but Janice never addressed it.

In the consultation phase, Janice had invited me to observe one of her meetings.  Immediately, I could see from Janice’s body language and tone that she didn’t relish working with Rhonda (and I bet Rhonda and everyone else in the room could sense this, too).

When I asked her about it, Janice denied it saying, “Oh no, I like Rhonda just fine.”

When I asked her about it again, Janice admitted, “Well, I like her out of work, but at the office, I don’t trust her.”  And then, she related all of the things Rhonda had done that had engendered this distrust (all unbeknownst to Rhonda), and it came out that what Janice really thinks is that Rhonda was trying to sabotage her.

Folks, what Janice is doing is looking at a set of events, and then making a determinations about Rhonda’s intentions.  We all do this because we create memories by distilling down events into stories.  What we distill our experience down to (what we notice as important) is shaped by our thinking habits formed by previous experience and by how we’re feeling at the time. That’s why my memory of an event may be very different from yours.

Did you get the part where we create our own stories?  It’s true.  We make it up.  And then, these stories become our facts.

When Janice and I debriefed after the meeting, there was no suggesting to Janice that she might benefit from re-examining how she came to the conclusion about Rhonda’s intentions.  In fact, Janice got a little testy about it even as I asked the question.  She didn’t think she needed a coach, and so that was the end of that part of the interaction.

So, where we pick this story up, Janice has just said to Rhonda, “You always try to undermine me.”

Always is a strong word.  Very rarely does anyone *always* do anything, so use this one with caution.

I am guessing from what Janice related next was that Rhonda felt blindsided and accused.  What we all do when we feel blindsided and accused?

We defend ourselves.

And, that’s exactly what Rhonda did.

How do you think the rest of that conversation went?  Do you think that Janice got any more information about why Rhonda was circumventing the governance process?  Do you think Rhonda will go the extra mile the next time Janice needs something?  Do you think Rhonda heard any feedback that she might have been able to use to perform better?

Not only was this a wasted hour of both Janice’s and Rhonda’s time, but Rhonda wouldn’t so much as look at Janice for days.  I’d bet she spent more time focused on her anger than getting her job done.  In the end, it did some pretty significant damage to their relationship…. which is why Janice called me back.

Tomorrow… Rhonda’s side of the story.

Be Your Best You Today,

Carolann

*Though I have permission to share this story, names have been changed to protect their privacy.

p.s. – Does this story sound at all familiar to you?  Anyone have an “oh crap” moment when they realized that they might have made an assumption about someone else’s intentions?  This is part of the foundation of Improve Performance NOW! We eliminate the wasted energy that’s put into hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and the constant booty-covering because we change the way our clients participate in these conversations.  We teach them how to create a high trust environment.  Register for our no-obligation review call today.

Photo by Desiree Delgado

We humans are a complex bunch.  We haven’t quite evolved to where our pre-frontal cortex can separate out fact from perception, as much as we might think and believe that we have.  I haven’t.  You haven’t.

So, what does that mean and why should you care?

Well, whenever we have a difference of opinion we tend to take our own side.  Never is that more true than when we know we’re right.  Because, when we’re right, we are right, and that means that there is no “other side of the story.”

Except that there always is.

Take Janice’s story.  Janice* manages the governance group for her company, which means that her group makes sure that all money spent on programs and products is approved.  This means that people who want to get their projects done have to produce things like cost estimates, requirements, resource plans and so on.  Janice also manages program managers, and part of their job is to ensure that all projects and programs follow the process.  What this means to Janice is that anyone who doesn’t follow the approved process is wrong.  Period.

Rhonda works for Janice as a Program Manager.  Her main objective is to make sure that her client is happy, and her client tends to be the happiest when his programs get done successfully.  Her client doesn’t really care much for the approved process.  Rhonda finds “the process” to be cumbersome, and she noticed over the course of time that the governance board (of which Janice is a member) doesn’t really look at any of the supporting documentation when they approve or don’t approve a project/program.  Really, all they look at is the ROI and the description.  So, that’s all Rhonda and her team have been producing.  This worked well up until other people started to figure it out and do the same.

Janice never trusted Rhonda to begin with, and she adds this to the mounting evidence that Rhonda can’t be trusted.  After all, Janice’s group OWNS the process and when her own staff circumvents it after explicit instructions not to, which means that when anyone in Janice’s group circumvents the process, it is a direct attempt to undermine her….. at least that’s what it means to Janice.

Rhonda never realized that the “evidence” was mounting against her because over time Janice just tucked these confirming “facts” away.

However, today is difference.  Janice is spitting nails and calls Rhonda into her office.  Janice starts the conversation: “You’re always trying to find ways undermine me.”

Rhonda is shocked and jumps to her own defense.

Can you spot Janice’s fundamental lie?

Next time, we’ll look at Rhonda’s side of the story.

Be Your Best You Today,

Carolann Jacobs

p.s.- Have you ever found yourself in this type of scenario?  Misunderstood?  Blamed?  Or are you on the other side, wondering what’s wrong with people, what in the world could they be thinking? In Improve Performance NOW! we focus on improving communication and interaction to build trust, accountability and thus improve productivity.  Preview calls for the program will begin in June.  Have a look today.